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John P. Harris |
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The following testimony spends a lot of time describing
my drug use and progression into addiction. This is not intended to glorify
drugs but to give my readers the opportunity to recognize themselves on the same
path, or see others that are on the path, and get help before they get to the
bitter end.
Truth is, I lost a lot of friends along the way to
salvation, many to overdose and aids; some are in prison, and many are still
caught up in addiction, either hoping to die soon or praying to get out before
they do.
Please if you are using, see yourself in this story and
get help. If you have a loved one using look for the signs and intervene.
Don’t wait until it is too late.
God said “Now is the time of your salvation”…
reach out, grab it and don’t let go.
The
Starting Line:
If you have ever stood in a room full of people and
felt like you were not even there, or if you experienced fear so overwhelming
that it actually changed the way you approached life… then you have some
understanding of my childhood… fear, anxiety, and loneliness. At age ten, I was
so unhappy with who I was I purposed in my heart to change everything
about me; problem was I did not know how… Then it happened! I discovered the
way! All I needed to do was escape from me… and a new found friend was about to show me
the way… DRUGS!
That is how it all started for
me… just a scared lonely kid looking to find himself or find a new self, and
being introduced to a seemingly harmless recreation called “pot”. I am sure
that may blow the minds of some of you… how could a kid at age ten, living in
a sleepy little town in CT, get wrapped up in drugs so young? Fact is drugs
were everywhere. The year was 1974 and everyone I knew older then me (so it
seemed) was smoking pot... It was the party favor of choice with the 70’s
generation; much like booze was to my parent’s generation, and there was plenty
of partying from that age group going on as well. In fact I thought that was
what people did – you met friends and you partied… So if everyone else was doing
it why not me?
Getting up to Speed: When I
first got high it was an opportunity to come out of my shell. Pot made me
giggle a lot and my friends and I seemed to have a better time when we got
together… the feelings of loneliness and fear seemed to melt away. I also
thought smoking made me cool and popular because I was ten and mixing in with
the older kids in the neighborhood. Kids at school looked up to me (so I
thought) because I was on the edge and part of the cool crowd. For me it was all
about the new image.
Soon after I started smoking
pot I began to drink beer and harder spirits. My friends and I would steal beer
and booze from our parent’s house, tell them we were camping out or sleeping
over a friend’s house, and then hang out by the beach and party. By the time I
was twelve I was introduced to LSD, and by thirteen I was a regular at the
local high school keg parties; all the time just trying to fit in so I did not
have to feel those feelings of my past. I was labeled as a party animal and
liked the image that others had of me. Good or bad, at least I wasn’t that
lonely little boy from just three years ago.
By the time I was a Sr. in
high school I was deep into drugs and alcohol. Life seemed to be good: I was
Sr. class President, had lots of friends, I was a talented young cook making
good money. In addition, at 16, I was already working and drinking in the local
bars. Life was one big party to me, and there was plenty of partying to partake
in.
Changing Gears: I was
already drinking at least four days a week, stoned every day – all day, and had
experienced at least thirty acid trips when I was introduced to what became the
longest love affair of my life… “Cocaine”
This powerful drug took over my life so fast I didn’t realize what it was doing
to me emotionally or spiritually… When I was high life stood still, and
everything seemed just right.
By age seventeen I was
using cocaine almost every night of the week; my use went on for two
straight years before it became just too much. For the first time since I
started partying I was losing control of my life and I knew I had to stop. The
only thing that saved me was joining the Army and putting myself on a totally
different track for a few years… But it was not the last time cocaine would pull
me down… in years to come it would become my obsession and ultimately my demise.
While in the Army I got
married, was blessed with a wonderful daughter and excelled in the service.
But
all was not well inside of me. I felt incomplete and out of sinc with
life. I made the decision to get out of the Army and make a go of married
life back in the states. Problem was I had no idea how to be a husband or father
and it was not long before my whole life came unglued. My marriage fell apart, I had no focus
on a career, and I found myself alone, scared and once again feeling like that
little boy I thought had died so long ago. Therefore, I found myself dealing
with life the only way I knew how – Drugs and Alcohol.
The
Race is Out of Control: The
year was 1990; my divorce was final and I had returned to being a full time partier. The drinks and
drugs flowed through my veins on a daily basis. I knew I was in deep but drugs
made me feel accepted, and still covered up my feelings of self loathing. I
really did not like my life and drugs were my one true escape. In all that
infantile behavior, I still wanted more; the old addict saying is “I am an
addict and I want what I want and I want it NOW!” applied to me to the tee.
I
remember the beginning of the end clearly to this day.
It was May 1991 and I was throwing a huge keg party at my parents home while
they were on vacation. I was twenty eight but a vast majority of the people
at the party were between 16 & 23. By 1:00 AM most of the people had gone.
A few of my “new” friends asked me if I wanted to join them in a room to get
high. That is when I was introduced to “Crack”.
When I took my first hit it blew my mind… I had never felt such an overwhelming
euphoric feeling in my life. I instantly became obsessed and from that day on
life only had one focus; when could I find time to smoke some crack?
In
spite of my addiction to crack and other drugs, in 1992 I entered into the
political arena. I had volunteered on the Jerry Brown for President
Campaign and when I returned home felt the need to run for office myself.
I spent the next five years running for elected office and mixing with local and
state politicians; all the while high as a kite. I really wanted to
succeed but the drugs were just too strong.
I received Christ into my
heart in 1995 but , I did not have a strong foundation of the Word of God.
In my drug induced mind I convinced myself that God would
never save a man like me. I truly believed I would die in my
addiction and spend eternity in hell. I realized I was no longer in control of my actions. I
was addicted to crack and it called on me like a demon. I was a man possessed
spiritually. In addition to the partying and self affliction, my feelings of
fear, loneliness and anxiety were overwhelming me as well. I was in constant
turmoil; I remember praying to God to help me end it all. I could not stand the
pain or the addiction on my own and I didn’t trust anyone enough to get help. I
knew the end was near; I just wasn’t sure how and when.
The
Crash: By the summer of
1996 drugs were the main focus of my life. I got out of politics for fear
of being exposed by my opponents and because I knew in my heart I was on a fast
track to hell. There was nothing I could do to stop
my daily compulsion to use. Family and friends began to pull away; and those
who didn’t, I pushed. I was all but absent in my daughters life, when friends
needed me I was no where to be found, and in order to support my habit I was
stealing from one of my best friends bank accounts while trying to manage her
business. I was consuming a street value of $1,000.00
of cocaine a day. I was lost and looked like the walking dead.
There were dealers living and working out of my house, prostitutes using me for
drugs and shelter and constant threats on my life for shorting my suppliers and
dealing with cross town rival gangs… I pretended to be a tough guy and a
gangster… but honestly, I was sacred I did not know what to do; I was afraid of
everyone around me.
In the late fall, my friend
discovered the funds missing from her accounts and when I could not stop using
or stealing, she turned me into the police. On the advice of my attorney, I
leveled with the police and admitted to having a drug problem, hoping my
testimony would get me help instead of sending me to prison. Two weeks after my
confession, the same cop I admitted my addiction to pulled me over for missing
a stop sign. Upon inspection of my car and a pat down I was arrested for
possession of narcotics with intent to sell. The next day, after raiding my
house I was further charged with operating a drug factory.
Repair Work begins: May 13th
1997, I checked myself into Stonington Institute for 45 day rehabilitation.
When I woke up 4 days after my arrival, I found myself with nothing left to my
name and little hope of ever living a normal life again. I remember looking
around the room and wondering where I was and how I got there… I was in a fog
and didn’t even know what day it was. I was overwhelmed with emotion and cried
uncontrollably for hours… I thought I had reached the
end of my long party run and now I was going to rot in jail for my actions.
I realized I was alone, and there was no one left to call on. For the first
time in my adult life I realized I needed to change. That night I got down on my
knees and cried out to Jesus to help me. I will admit that God was not my first
choice for salvation or my second… He was my only choice. There was no one else
to reach out to.
I had burned all the other bridges
of my life; there were none left when I made the u-turn
back from hell.
The
Final Run: Forty five day
later, I checked into Teen Challenge in Brockton, MA. Teen Challenge is a Christian residential
home for drug addicts. I would like to tell you that life was perfect after
that but it wasn’t. In September I was asked to leave the program because I was
one of many people who discovered that things were not right with the staff at
the ministry. When they expelled me I found myself on the streets of New London
and within twenty four hours was deep into drugs again. For the next two months
I went wild. I was so full of fear and anger I tried at every opportunity to
just overdose on drugs so the pain would just go away. But God had other
plans.
It was my 34 birthday,
December 11th, 1997, when God woke me up from a 4 day run. At first
I was going to get up and find some more drugs but the Spirit came upon me and I
knew if I left that bed I would never return alive. In desperation I called
my Pastor and begged him to help me. The next day he drove me to a new Teen
Challenge in New Haven, CT. and recommended I stay until I knew it was time to
leave.
A New
Race: For the next six
years, I dedicated my life to discovering myself through Jesus. I graduated the
program in 1998. Stayed on as an intern and quickly rose to full staff member.
God cleaned up my convictions and I never did a day in prison. He restored my
relationship with my daughter and in time, with my family and friends. He
opened my eyes to a Love I never felt and helped me face that scared little boy
who was still living within my soul. I was able to let him go and God gave me
new found confidence, and contentment. It truly was a “LIFE CHANGING
TRANSFORMATION” a Rag to riches story.
Since giving my life to Jesus
I have seen God move on the lives of countless people. Hundreds of men and
women came through the Teen Challenge program in my six years there, and
thousands of more people were touched by God during our street rallies and
evangelistic efforts throughout New England. Families were reunited, criminal
records were cleaned up or settled, and many people once serving the devil or
selfish ambition have gone on to do great things for the Lord. I have witnessed
people healed from Aids, and Hepatitis; people healed of emotional and spiritual
suppression, and I have watched God give peace to loved ones when everything did
not go the way they had hoped.
My life will never be the same
because of Gods great works. He has shown Himself to be a Loving and Caring God
over and over again. And to think He was with me throughout my whole life
patiently waiting for me to call upon Him for help. I am so glad I did.
In December 2001, Calvary
Chapel of South East Connecticut ordained me.
It was a dream comes true for me. I made a promise to God in December 1997 that
if he helped me get sober I would dedicate my life to serving him. The
ordination was a conformation that it was Gods will as well.
After six years of serving the
ministry of Teen Challenge, God released me to a new calling. Since August of
2003 I have been counseling men and women who are suffering from addictive
behaviors and the families who are affected by the addicts themselves. God has
also given me opportunities to preach His word and provide other pastoral
services to friends, family and His flock. I am blessed to be in His service.
I pray each day he uses me to touch just one more soul.
I do not know what the future holds for me, but
this I know for sure… Jesus Christ is an Awesome God; I am blessed to be in His
good Grace and I am blessed to be His servant.
If you are interested in having John share his testimony at your church,
school, youth conference, or other public venue please contact him at
rev.jph@hotmail.com
